Sis, how do you initiate sex with your husband?
If it looks anything like…
Back rubs, 90s RnB on repeat, warm lighting, sans ugly bonnet, red lips, crevices cleaned up nice and smelling sweet with nothing but a piece of lace string between your cheeks all set to draw in breath and slip into drive then…
you my friend should probably be the one writing this blog post.
I’m in the camp of wives with a growing to-do list that started in 2010, a never ending pile of laundry and struggling to stay awake past 9pm despite my daily dose of Ferrous Fumarate, magnesium and vitamin D.. Oh, and a healthy balanced diet!
Truth is, I’m not great at initiating and when I lay down, all I want to do is sleep.
He’s the natural instigator; but, but…
On days my body tells me it’s not firewood or I recall that men who ejaculate more have a lower risk of prostate cancer, my spirit is quickened to do the *tings* I need to do to let him know I’m in the mood.
I’m no relationship or sex expert but in my experience of 12 years in marriage it’s no lie that intimacy is hugely important. Sex is this magical unifying bond designed by God for man and woman, which brings a whole new level of closeness and intimacy.
It’s truly a gift and an area of marriage we as wives should prioritise.
Negative emotions, busyness and a general lack of knowledge in feminine practices can inhibit wives’ from being sexually free. Below are 3 ways to overcome these struggles and prepare for intimacy with your husband. So, let’s get into it.
Your Mind: Sex begins outside of the bedroom
Mindset: Attitude is everything when you want to bring heat to your bedroom. You’ve got to be in the right head space for things to flow. If you’re harbouring any feelings of resentment toward your husband, and if left undealt with, you’ll build up an emotional wall that makes it difficult to achieve intimacy. Remember the old saying “don’t go to bed angry” you were told before your wedding? It’s good sense if you want to cultivate a healthy relationship AND have a good night’s sleep!
Comparison is the thief of joy: No relationship is perfect because, guess what? we’re all imperfect and fall short. Marriage isn’t all roses and poolside mimosas in the Maldives; for every great marriage there’s an arm length of challenges they’ve had to work through. Marriage can be difficult but it can also be beautiful and loving and nourishing; you’ll just have to learn to pick your battles and commit to working through things during difficult times.
To move past resentment try actually accepting some imperfections, talk things through “These are some of the things I’m having a hard time with”…, show empathy and be open to forgiveness.
Be his tenderoni in a hard world: Cuddles for no reason, soft kisses, shoulder rubs or sweet messages during the day go a long way in keeping the sexual tension alive in your marriage.
If however, you’re not matched in affection, get to know your man’s love language so he feels totally adored and loved by you.
If you’re the type shouting “booked, busy and unbothered” then coming home week on week talking about you have a headache and meetings in the morning, you my sis, are far too busy and probably need to scale back a notch; as truth be told, you’re likely leaving that man horngry and placing an unnecessary strain on your relationship.
“The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.” ~ Stephen Covey.
So many of us prioritise work, parenting, and household tasks over quality time with our spouses, meanwhile our marriages should be top of our priority list. Careers end and children grow-up and leave; don’t allow misplaced priorities to bring distance between you and your Love.
Marriages require effort, there is no two ways about it. If anything should be pushed back on your to-do-list, it shouldn’t be your marriage.
Schedule Sex: Scheduling sex can be an exciting and beneficial way to get in more sex especially if you have young children, opposite work schedules, or going through a busy season in your life. Spontaneity is ideal but not always realistic and that’s why scheduled sex can be the difference between steamy windows or crickets creaking in the bedroom.
Hire Help: Also, if finances allow, commissioning a domestic cleaner, or virtual assistant can free up some much needed time for yourself and spouse. If this isn’t feasible, come together and table the domestic, admin or childcare responsibilities that can be shared more evenly.
Develop the art of saying no: Practise saying “no” to activities or opportunities that eat into your time and hinder you from strengthening your marriage. Lastly, “it can wait” is this short yet powerful mantra that helps me prioritise myself and the needs of my relationship.
Your husband will respond differently to you when you’re well groomed, smelling delicious and wearing something that screams ‘I’m all yours’ versus smelling stale from the day’s sweat and looking lacklustre. Step outside your comfort zone every now and again and be his side dish, main course and dessert; be positive and inventive!
A little prep goes a long way: Shower or bathe. In the evenings I like to use scented body wash and follow up with a lightly fragranced lotion or oil. Occasionally I use a floral scented perfume but only so lightly as to not overpower my own natural scent.
Adorn your body: Be attentive to the small details. Take a little extra time fixing your hair, light make-up if you prefer or delicate jewellery that adorns your body or is sentimental to you. Finish off with a little number that sends his juices flowing- could be lingerie, a silky slip or commando! The key is to present confidently in your feminine energy. Personally, I like to do away with bonnets and headscarves during intimacy as they give me mumsy vibes while I’m trying to feel soft and sensuous.
As a side note, waist beads are commonly worn by women in many part of Africa (Nigeria, Cameroon, Ghana, Somalia, Ivory Coast to name a few) for weight management and beautification. The beads are often worn in multiples; the sight of the beads and the clapping that reverberates during intercourse is enough to arouse her man to orgasm.
Embrace the act of sex as one that God esteems and the glue that bonds a couple together.
Image Source: Canva