27-year-old Zogie De Gemini is a Nigerian-British Youtuber based in London who shares fashion hauls, travel vlogs and tea talks about relationships, marriage and plus size dating.
In her most recent video titled: ‘Men treat me differently because I am fat – dating as a fat girl vs normal size’
Zogie unpacks just how different it can be dating as a plus size woman.
“Plus size women are made to feel like they’re lucky to have someone pay them attention even when the guy is ‘bottom of the barrel’ she says.
She goes on to add that some of the common relationship experiences that bigger girls have include “guys trying to live with you, not financially stable and wanting to sponge off you or expecting her to finance his lifestyle”
In Zogie’s view, the bad dating experiences of plus-size women can be attributed to society’s dehumanizing idea that plus size women should come to expect being treated badly; because somehow, they should feel ‘lucky’ that someone expressed desire for them.
Zogie acknowledges that plus-size women are going to have different experiences to straight size girls because, “not all guys are interested in bigger girls; two, society makes it seem like if a guy wanted to date a bigger girl, it’s either one of two things; she’s financing his lifestyle, or he has a fetish for girls that are bigger”
She admitted that for a long time she believed modeleque women didn’t share the same dating experiences as plus size women. However, the realisation that ‘low-quality men’ don’t discriminate when picking their victims and that women of all sizes do have bad dating experiences regardless of their desirability, frees her to expect better for herself despite the challenges plus size black women like her have in dating and finding relationships.
She concluded with this:
“I set my standards not based on what you feel I should set it on, but based on what I think is best for me, what I think I deserve and what I am willing to accept and not accept”
Her followers weighed in on the conversation with majority agreeing that setting boundaries would typically ward off ‘low value men’. Others felt low self-esteem is a major reason women pick the ‘wrong’ men and that this is consistent across board regardless of body type. Some shared that dating as a bigger woman affected the quality of their experiences.
The comments have been categorised as follows:
Do not compromise your personal standards
“Once you set boundaries and standards then the trash will literally take itself out.”
“Most men will do whatever they want to anyone that would allow them to get away with the nonsense they give out, no matter your shape or size. No one should ever settle for nonsense.”
“Confidence dictates everything, I weighed 230lbs and have weighed 150, 178 atm (at the moment), and depending on what you command, will depend on what you get, demand value added you’ll get it, when you realize the value added isn’t happening, GHOST. I cannot share my life and body with someone that doesn’t care if I am good in every sense of the word, it’s too weird.”
“As someone who has been both plus size, got small and now plus size again, I struggled more with dating when I was smaller. I thought losing weight would change dating for the better, but it didn’t. It only attracted more men, mostly wanting just sex vs when larger guys taking the time to get to know me. Once I set my standards and boundaries dating has been much better because I know what I require big or small.”
How a person looks says a lot about them
“Sometimes it’s the fact that us women have such high standards for men, and those men that meet the criteria we look for will also have standards, sometimes that’s not wanting a woman who’s bigger than them, and it’s okay. Also, weight can sometimes determine a person’s level of discipline, if you can’t maintain a healthy weight. And let’s also consider the fact single men who want to marry and have children will look at your weight and already know that fertility will be an issue to a certain extent.”
“Not to say men shouldn’t respect fat women but let’s at least try to understand from a man’s perspective what a woman’s weight will say about their potential future together.”
“It’s hard enough dating even as a normal sized person soo imagine being under average, of course it’s gonna be 10x harder.”
Dating is a challenge regardless of body size
“I’m a “normal size” and dating is still such a struggle for me regardless of size. Too many idiots out there!!”
“if a man doesn’t inherently respect women, it doesn’t matter what she looks like or who she is.”
Dating is harder when you’re plus size
“It is drastically different. I’ve been on both sides.”
“People are pointing out how men tend to treat women who have low self-esteem bad no matter size or whatever, however plus size women in society just overall are treated differently. Men tend to treat women they think are ugly differently than women they find attractive.”
“Fat phobia is real and very intricately woven into western society.”
“Honestly, I used to be overweight and when I lost weight, dating life changed. I’m overweight now and I haven’t been able to meet anybody. Society treats larger women differently unfortunately.”
“This treatment towards straight size girls doesn’t happen as often”
Let’s chime off in the comments, what has been your own dating experience as a plus size woman?
Image source: Instagram @zogiedegemini